To My People, My Person:
Whether we are in dating relationships or committed relationships or friendship relationships or parenting relationships, we make a choice, many choices, throughout each day to share ourselves with the other person or not.
Have you ever considered that for the rest of your life (or at least a lot of it), you will often have days when you think "I don't want to date anyone" or "I don't want to be in this relationship" or "why am I with this person" or "why did I marry this person" or "this is too hard" or "I wish they would leave me alone - I just want to be by myself?" Or simply "I just don't want to!?"
A preacher friend who I really respect said to me one time that he had been married for 28 years and, at least twice a week he thought, "what am I doing with this woman?" He was happy with her and very much in love, and respected her and wouldn't want to be without her, except on those days he thought he might.
Living is about relationship. Relationship with ourselves first, then expressing ourselves with others and interacting with their expressions of themselves. When we come to understand and embrace that, I think we can honor and "be" with each other without feeling confined or worried, without putting each other in boxes, without putting ourselves in boxes and without feeling we are boxed in.
In Mark Manson's book, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck", he makes a point that resonated with me. He says that, in partnership/relationship with another person, it's not about giving a f*ck about what your partner gives a f*ck about. It's about giving a f*ck about your partner despite what they give a f*ck about. I'm talking about people who are on the same level, not in abusive relationships full of conflict.
While generally you and your partner/person/people have similar values, sometimes what you care about and what they care about are very different. It's simply about choosing to care for your someone and allowing yourself to be cared for by that someone, no matter what. It's about being grateful you have a someone. If you care about your person and do your best to show it in ways that feel right, I think that's the best you can do. In doing what feels right - even if that means saying, "I need to take care of myself right now," - we care for our people, and therefore for ourselves. Sometimes we fumble, but if we give ourselves and our person the benefit of the doubt, and continue on in whatever way we can and do, we open ourselves to the greatest of life's riches.
In relationship now, I'm learning to trust by expressing my thoughts, feelings and needs even when I feel scared from how I think/project/wonder how the person I care about (and who I want to care about me!) will react.
I practice acting in ways that are new for me, and I'm often pleased with the result.
Most of us have had the experience of limitation, frustration and superficiality in relationship by not saying what we feel and want because we've already played out in our head how we assume the conversation will go. We are afraid of the unknown, of getting a reaction we think we don't want.
Through speaking up and positive reinforcement I'm beginning to feel more safe and sound. Through speaking up and allowing space for whatever reaction the other person has, while still holding space for my own ground, contributes to this safe and sound feeling. For me, the simple act of expressing my thoughts and feelings, regardless of the reaction of the person I care for, is contributing greatly to this feeling of safety and soundness.
So Dearest, as we agreed on, I hope you will continue to express how you are feeling and what you need. I plan to.
I want to be able to trust that you will speak your mind and do what you think is best moment to moment, day to day - so that there's nothing hidden, so that the trust continues to deepen between us.
Because for me, it's worth it. You're worth it. We are worth it.
We are all worthy of intimacy, vulnerability and exchanging love and respect, whatever form that takes. We are worthy of healing, growth, and enriching our own lives and each other's lives through relationship.
